Grumpy Old Man meets Fat Controller

"This is the Grumpy Old Man speaking. Me and the Fat Controller are in charge this week.

"I would like to ask our passengers to take note of the blue surface with the white fleks which stretches the length of the carriage. That is called the floor.

"The raised objects either side of the floor are called seats.T hey are for putting your bum on. The floor is for putting your feet on. If we see anyone sitting on the floor with their feet on the seats, then we will have to ask Thomas the Tank to sort them out."

The Scouse wit on the other end of the tannoy on the train to Southport certainly caught the attention of everyone heading for the Open at Royal Birkdale.

It lifted an already excited bunch of passengers and all behaved exactly as he asked them to.

Security is tight for this year’s event but it makes you wonder where they get some of the security staff from.

The cuffs of his jacket on the young lad who checked me through came somewhere between his wrists and his elbows and if it wasn’t for his ears he woul d have been chewing on the peak of his cap.

Still, they are doing a good job and everything is moving along freely for now. It promises to be a good week.